the most hated

can anyone lose peoples love too fast? 

guess thats me! 

i think i might win "the most hated person"soon.

i'm loosing people every year.

no, literally every year im loosing the love of someone close to me!

is it something wrong with me? do i have to live to be up to peoples standards and way of thinking? can i keep on living like this in life? 

is it okay to loose people around you? 

was the relation real? was i rude? were they lying? 

i dont know! its driving me crazy!

i can count the people who still believe in me in no more than 2 hands!

is it okay? 

new you

I have always thought that I have a stubborn personality.
not in my every day life, but in the way i treat things.
i'm always stiff, serious and extremely cautious with my emotions and feelings.
it seems its time to change.
this is life, its not heaven nor hill, just life.
will try to take it less seriously.

pandemic

COVID-19
OK..so i'm doing this; writing about corona virus! Almost forgot that I have a blog to write my thoughts in !
The virus is spreading-been spreading- very fast in the past couple 2-3 months.
its spreading throughout continents, countries, cities in a very unusual way!
Everyone has their own point of view regarding this MIGHTY virus, me included. As much as I like to share my thoughts with people, the more I realised that really there is no point of doing so.
see, this indecisiveness is really driving me crazy. wanting to talk ،where the words are at the brim of your tongue, then you decide to swallow them down like a burning acid pouring down your throat.
knowing and not knowing what to say or to do.
they advised us to keep some money in case things get worse after all this dwindle down, yet wanting to spend all you have on food, unnecessary things, anything to get out of boredom.
watching movies then deciding that you have watched movies more than any days you had in your life. reading novels then getting bored before even reaching past the first chapter, knowing of course that there is an audio version of it or that there is a movie about it.
There is a bunch of FREE workshops, training online that you do not know where to start. on top of that, we're using technology to the extent that you really wish that you can hurl your devices through the wall, too much happening, too much going on .
they tell us to look at the bright side, yet there is death everywhere, and now they're telling us that pets can have it too! I don't have pets, neither the people around me, yet this means that we will have a very long path to win over this virus.
" Too hot temperature will kill it " they said. "Staying home, social distancing  will hold it down" they say. " we're looking for vaccine" they say. " It needs 3-4 months to fade away " they say...!

emotionless

it has nothing to do with being brave or strong.
it has nothing to do with being weak or fragile.
when emotions are gone, their gone. no turning back.
love is the most scary word.
when you love someone, you will worry about them, think about them and feel about them!
that's good, great actually.
but there will be a point where you will stop and realize; the more you love, the more you suffer.
therefore, being emotionless will save you...and them!
if you don't love that person, she/he will survive from any mishap, separation aimed at you.
why suffer and let others suffer?
we can simply avoid that by staying away, stepping away.
someone else will love and care for them.
i personally won't get hurt, knowing that my beloved person(thing) is in danger because of my love, affection and care!

to me...being emotionless is the easiest way out.
to withdraw from all feelings.
to get rid of fear....for once, and for all!

Am bigious!

ambiguous...

I've always celebrated being ambiguous.
Never loved the light or attention.
Dreamed  of it?yes! absolutely! all human beings do.
Or Don't they?
now with all the social media programs surrounding us, people can see you, see your life, hobbies...etc.
by giving them the opportunity to do so, we're giving them the upper hand to judge use, use us...break us!
talking about myself of course.
I won't deny that through the use of social network apps, I have found hidden hobbies I never thought I had before.
they enjoyed it, encouraged me, applause for me...then what?
I'm stuck!
the truth is? None of them is my friend, they're just colleagues..
there is nothing wrong with that, I loved their attention, encouragement and cheering.
But I will put a stop to it.
Well, as they say" A friend to all, a friend to none", I don't want to be indebted to any one who doesn't have true feelings for me.
I think I rather go back to my shell, protecting myself from any harm.

Happy Birthday!!

or not...
20th September, one day after my " supposedly " Happy birthday, I had a massive SLAP to my face.
In a form of a joke , kind of.
After being REALISTIC all my life, i've fallen into the believe, the dream that will never come true...that is to be wanted by anybody of course.
when someone who works with me, walks into my office on  the beginning of the day, ruining my day by getting my hopes up.
Good that I had almost the whole day to argue with myself, to drag  myself DOWN to the realization, that : HEY! WAKE UP!  WE'VE AGREED NOT TO DREAM ABOUT THAT,REMEMBER?  then I answered myself : YEAH, how can I EVER forget?
I believed, like the idiot I am, that Me, after all those years, will still be wanted somehow.
Truth is, I've never been wanted! Why believe now?coz, guess what? I'm not a dreamer.
Believe it or not, the next day there was a call...asking about someone else!I wanted to laugh so loud.
But I loved myself that day...I didn't cry, nor gut hurt.
I felt sorry for my heart...you can actually hear it breaking down between my ribs.
those slaps, jokes, humiliations will surely tie you down to the ground, cut your wings, making sure while wiping their hands clean from your blood that covered  their hands, that you will never think of dreaming again. Its like an ear twist, a warning or a reminder for the rest of the year.
And I? I am truly thankful for them, hard to believe !
My wings are growing old and weary anyways, incapable of carrying my heavy body.
they are reluctant, they KNOW that they are not good enough, to follow all the birds, bees and butterflies, that left their old homes in search for a new one.
This Birthday will surely be my best.
I'm really thankful for the slap that I had, it had really woken me up when I was about to doze off.
Telling me that I'm not born for pinky, girly dreams.
That I'm not born for the luxuries and necessities of life.
That we are ALL not the same, that we shouldn't dream of the same.
that we shouldn't dream at all.....

I miss me

I miss me
I really do
I've had a lot of words buried, I cant take them out.
I want to scream, tear things, destroy anything or anyone in front of me.
I want them to feel hurt, just like I feel.
Having true feelings has made me vulnerable, fragile.
believing that anyone can easily be my friend has made me open to hurt.
As much as I want friends, as much as I pull away...run as fast as I could.
To you "M"